AMNESTY FOR SUPERL!!!!

In an unprecedented turnaround today, the U.S. government called off its manhunt for SuperL and SuperMike. Conleeza Rice called a special press conference this afternoon to make the announcement. While the Secretary of State cited a lack of evidence as the motivation for dropping charges against the young superhero, various media reports speculate international pressure was the real impetus behind the amnesty.

During the press conference, Secretary Rice was flanked by a heightened security detail after avid supporters of SuperL threatened to splatter Bush administration officials with a particularly garish shade of puce paintball pellet unless they called off the hunt.

Joyful pandemonium is filling the streets of cities around the world as news of the amnesty makes its way to every corner of the globe. SuperBros.org has caputered exclusive images of a few of these celebrations...



For the first time in history, New Orleans declared a second Mardi Gras for 2008, in honor of the SuperBros.







In New York City, street protests were replaced with fireworks over the Brooklyn Bridge.






Not to be outdone, Tokyo detonated its own SuperBro pyrotechnics.








Captive penguins in Norway performed a water ballet inspired by SuperL's solidarity with all penguins everywhere.








In the same artistic spirit, African children choreographed dances to depict SuperBro rescues that have gained international fame.







PISSED OFF NOW organizers take a quiet moment to savor victory. The penguin group must now decide if it will continue its occupation. If they stay in Patagonia, penguins will shift their emphasis to a demand for the U.S. to pass CAFE legislation to reduce automobile carbon emissions.




In our parting shot, the go-cart drivers of SoCal end their occupation of the LA freeway and return to the San Diego mini-track to conclude the spring race season.

Candidates Support the SuperBros

The beaches of Patagonia were relatively quiet today after a week of somewhat chaotic activity that accompanied an estimated four hundred thousand occupying penguins. As the occupation nears the end of its first week, the only excitement today accompanied rumors that Argentinian leaders are in negotiations with the U.S. government to arrange amnesty for SuperL and SuperMike. Many celebrities and high profile political leaders in SuperL's home country have also lent their voices to the amnesty movement.

Barack Obama paused on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania today to field questions about his position on the FBI's pursuit of the young superhero. "The information to which I am privvy in no way demonstrates probable cause to charge SuperL with conspiring with militant penguins. In fact, there is no evidence that PISSED OFF NOW has undertaken any militant protest of any kind in the United States. Penguin sympathizers and good people in small towns across American are bitter, I think justifiably, about the government's pursuit of a young superhero. A young hero who is an an obvious force for good in this world."

Not to be outdone in the scramble to align with the popular SuperBros in the public mind, Hillary Clinton offered her own statement of support. "I just feel so strongly that this whole thing has gone wrong, that there's a better way. I wouldn't be in this thing if I didn't think I could make a difference in penguin and superhero lives!" Her voice breaking with rare tears, Hillary shook her head to refuse additional questions and excused herself for a joint interview with Eminem.


In a cautious celebration, SuperY and SuperH led several thousand penguins in the largest Hokey Pokey dance in recorded history. The Guiness Book of World Records reportedly sent a representative to Patagonia to confirm the event for its 2009 edition. "It was a little touch and go there at first, because we had to change the words a bit for our audience," admitted SuperY. "With penguins, you have to sing you put your left wing in, you put your left wing out...instead of arm...you know. So at first the Guiness rep didn't know if it was really the Hokey Pokey."


"Yeah, but once we invited him to join us, that was all it took. He said it was the best Hokey Pokey he'd ever danced." SuperH finished the story and exchanged high fives with his superbro. When asked if they would point out their youngest bro in the crowd, the SuperBros refused to comment. "No can do," SuperH said. "If we told you, we'd have to keep you here 'til the occupation is over," said SuperY.


With SuperL's freedom from pursuit appearing imminent, it was tempting to make that bargain. Given the alarming size of the piles of guano surrounding the penguin protest, however, this reporter wasn't ready to risk that fate. Today, the fugitive superheroes remain undercover and unsighted.

Dateline Patagonia: April 15, 2008

Early Tuesday morning, hundreds of penguin and human swimmers were saved from certain disaster. In a bold and daring move, SuperL intervened between the beach goers and a pod of killer whales on the hunt. Witnesses to the confrontation say the whales at first assumed menacing postures when the young superhero bonked them on the snout and demanded they reconsider their breakfast menu. "I thought SuperL was whale toast for sure," said one young penguin.

Another witness, a psychologist, offered a more detailed description of the exchange between boy and whales. "SuperL posed some thought-provoking questions that really made the whales stop and deliberate. Questions like, Do you really want everyone to fear you? In the end, can an adherent to the power principle legitimately claim any morality? And, do you really think penguins will taste very good when they have been camping for days with limited access to porta-potties?"

It seems the whales determined the answer to all these questions is NO. Further details suggest they visited a while with SuperL, tasted some vegetarian options growing near the coral reef, and said they would try some zooplankton like their cousins the right whales prefer. Within an hour of their original planned attack on penguins, the whales were spotted far from shore, heading south toward antarctic waters.

Protestors around the world reacted to news of SuperL's peacemaking with renewed commitment to end the US government's pursuit of the youngest superbro. The marches and gatherings assumed a more peaceful atmosphere, however, perhaps in emulation of the boy some are now calling The Whale Whisperer.

SuperL still in Disguise after Brave Rescue

SuperBros Weekend Update

As protests for SuperL continue around the world for a third day, stories of Super family sightings are emerging from the penguin occupation of coastal Patagonia. SuperBros.org has confirmed that SuperM and SuperL have joined the occupation. The two Supers have preserved their anonymity by remaining in disguise. This image exclusive to SuperBros.org shows the uncanny resemblance between these “penguins” at the occupation and SuperL and SuperM. CIA agents that have infiltrated the occupation are so far unaware of the disguised duo.

SuperMom has openly joined the occupation at the invitation of the Argentine government. “SuperMom is a voice for common sense,” the minister of foreign relations explained. “We expedited a visa for her and her older sons in hopes they will act as liaisons with the leadership of PISSED OFF NOW. We hope they will help broker a peaceful resolution to the current situation."

SuperY and SuperH spent the day amidst the penguin flocks, avoiding contact with SuperL and M. With CIA agents shadowing their movements, they apparently didn’t want to risk drawing attention to their fugitive sibling. In typical super style, since their arrival the Super family has averted disaster for various penguins and people. In his most dramatic rescue of the day, SuperY was sighted kicking in the afterburners on his go-cart to save a baby penguin. Snagging the penguin in mid-air as she cart-wheeled off a cliff edge, SuperY almost tipped his rig into the rock-riddled ocean below. “I sure hope SuperMom didn’t see that one,” the superhero exclaimed after the close call. “She’s been a little upset with my driving lately. Something about the car insurance going up after I had a little fender bender last month.” When questioned further about the nature of his fender bender, SuperY said he accidentally drove through the neighbor’s living room.

When asked for comment on SuperY’s cliff-side heroism, SuperMom chastised reporters. “Don’t encourage that sort of behavior! Heroism my butt – reckless driving is what it is! You reporters need to learn to call a spade a spade.” Patting her hair back into place, the famous super mother winked and added, “But what a brave little peanut, eh?”

While SuperY was atop the Patagonia cliffs, SuperH was sighted in the ocean. The young superhero seemed to be serpentining through the coral reef in an effort to lose his CIA tail. Fortunately for the agent, when his scuba tank ran out of oxygen SuperH swam him to the surface. At last report, a throng of reporters surrounded the agent on the beach. The Patagonian authorities are organizing a press conference to share the details of the rescue. It's assumed the Argentinians will also express their displeasure that U.S. spies are operating illegally in their country.

Local officials were overheard speculating that perhaps today’s super rescues will provide the U.S government a face-saving excuse to drop their pursuit of SuperL.

International pressure for SuperL amnesty is mounting. For the time being, the youngest super bro is free. He is surrounded constantly by a detail of bodyguards thirty deep. When questioned about their strategy for protecting SuperL, a spokes-penguin for the guards refused to provide any details except to say, “Our defense tactics involve a large quantity of guano.”

SuperBros Protest Spreads

NYC at a Standstill!

Cities around the world were paralyzed today when millions of people took to the streets to demand the U.S. government call off its search for SuperL. The SuperBros visited several of the marches, signing autographs and helping young children cut to the front of the line at porta-potties provided for the use of protestors. "People don't realize how much smaller kids' bladders are than adults," said SuperH. "We know it's hard on everyone to cram into these streets and stand-up for our bro's freedom. We don't want it to be even harder on little kids when they really have to go."

SuperY was unavailable for comment. It seems the crowds in the world's streets were overrun with candy bars and soda. SuperY was sighted in various locations around the globe exchanging apples, bananas and water for junk food.

Some New York City crowd members claimed to have spotted SuperMom in Sax Fifth Avenue in the mid-morning. Those sightings have not been confirmed. A close confidante of the Super family admitted, however, that the super mother joined her for lunch wearing the latest Christian Dior pantsuit. "It was to die for. SuperMom arrived late for lunch and had forgotten to cut the tags off her clothes, so I suspect she just bought that ensemble today."

SuperH confirmed rumors that the boys of summer are on sit-down strike to show solidarity with the SuperBros. He denied having instigated the strike, but in a press conference today, Derek Jeeter revealed that SuperH's buddies in the NFL brought pressure to bear on their friends in the major league.

And one participant in a go-cart protest warned that his group would keep the Los Angeles freeway shut-down indefinitely until SuperL was free of all charges for conspiring with militant penguins and given a formal government apology. In cars sporting the slogan SuperY's Our Guy, the go-cart drivers appeared resolved. When asked how they would access food from the interstate, they alluded to plans for an airdrop of rations.

Meanwhile, SuperM and SuperL have not been sighted in public since the protest began. The unusually well-coiffed penguins in the Patagonia coast occupation have sparked speculation that SuperM may have joined that protest. SuperL may also be in Argentina, in disguise to blend in with the crowd.

Breaking News from the Edge of the World

In an unprecedented display of collective action, over the past 24 hours thousands of penguins have gathered in South America to protest U.S law enforcement officials' pursuit of SuperL, and to call the world's attention to the melting of the polar ice caps. Originally begun by members of PISSED OFF NOW, the protest has spontaneously grown far beyond the organizers' projected estimates of penguin participation. As the numbers of penguins on the shores of Patagonia grow, rumors are circulating that the protest may take the form of an occupation.

PROTESTING PENGUINS NUMBER
IN THE THOUSANDS
From reports on the ground we know that penguins
are carrying signs, and others are clustering around small flag poles flying makeshift protest flags. "We're with you, SuperMom!" "We heed your call, SuperMom!" "Your Hummer today, Our Death tomorrow" "CAFE standards for Life" ...the range of sentiments in the signs suggest this crowd that some estimate at four hundred thousand hopes to call attention to both the short term rescue of SuperL and the long range rescue of the arctic climates.

"At this point we do not intend to intervene. We're just keeping a close eye on the situation," said a coastal Patagonia official who requested anonymity, citing fear of reprisal by CIA agents he has seen in the vicinity. "Our leadership here in Argentina is talking with the U.S. administration. We're hoping the U.S. will reassess its case against SuperL. From the information to which I'm privy, it sounds like that young superhero is just being made an example of. For a nation that won't regulate its mileage standards, the U.S. is awful quick to condemn a cute bunch of birds for seeking to preserve their way of life."

Whether or not the official continues to refer to penguins as "cute" may depend on whether this gathering disperses in short order or becomes a lengthy occupation. Meanwhile, Argentina is commandeering all porta-potties for delivery to the site of the protest, and has asked fishermen to donate their unsold fish to feed the gathered flock. When asked if they made these gestures out of sympathy for the penguins' plight, administrators would neither confirm nor deny.

Dateline Seattle: April 7, 2008

SuperL confirmed this week that he is perfecting a new strategic use of nausea and also confirmed he piloted the skill recently in a Seattle eating establishment. A bystander in the pizzeria gave this account of the events, “This guy from the Pike Street Market rolled a piano into the restaurant and started singing really bad Broadway show tunes. Next thing I know, SuperL is throwing up and SuperMom is bustling around. Must have been a pretty good diversion – I wasn’t the only one who got distracted. When I looked back to the piano guy, he was lying on the ground and SuperH and SuperY were tying his hands behind his back. Turns out, the piano guy wasn’t there to entertain us. He stashed the cash register in his piano. If SuperL hadn’t taken that guy’s mind off his business, he’d have been singing all the way to the bank!”

The pizzeria would like to present the SuperBros an award of appreciation for spoiling the piano robber’s getaway. Unfortunately, SuperL is still underground and evading arrest for what some believe are trumped-up charges of conspiring with militant penguins. SuperMom, whose picture appeared this morning in the Seattle Crimebusters Daily in honor of her role in preventing the piano robbery, released a one sentence statement that originally appeared in that publication, “I ask that all those in solidarity with SuperL and penguins express their outrage at the government’s shoddy investigatory tactics.”

Police at the crime scene would not comment on SuperL’s new skill, but SuperBros.org received an anonymous tip this morning that the Department of Defense has assembled a team to reverse-engineer the strategic use of nausea so that it may be replicated by the Navy Seals.

This just in!!

A London chimney sweep (yeah, who knew there were still chimney sweeps in London??) reported that last night his life was saved by a trio of young toughs from America. The sweep was dangling from a drainpipe on the edge of a roof, facing a four-story drop to his certain demise, when someone wrapped a rope around his chest and yelled, “Gun it, Y!!” The sweep was yanked up over the edge of the roof to safety by what he describes as “a go-kart kind of a thing.”

When asked why he called his saviors “toughs”, the sweep replied, “I was mighty shook up after my rescue and started to light up a smoke to calm my nerves. One of the boys that was up on the roof with me there grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth, the pack of smokes out of my hand, and hurled ‘em both down the sewer grate, four stories below in the street. I ask ye, What kind of young tough takes a man’s cancer sticks, er, I mean cigs, from ‘im??”

The chimney sweep offered the following details about his rescuers:
One of the boys drove a souped-up go-kart.
One of the boys had an NFL-quality throwing arm (the one that tossed the cigarettes in the gutter).
The boy that wrapped the rope around the chimney sweep had hands that smelled like anchovies, of a type preferred by penguins.

Based on these descriptions, Scotland Yard has concluded that the three young “toughs” are the SuperBros.

When contacted for a statement about the incident, SuperMom expressed pride in her boys’ commitment to the salvation and well-being of humankind, but added that she in no way condoned their violation of curfew to be roaming the streets of London at all hours of Greenwich standard time.

When asked by the SuperBros news service if he had any photos of the young superheroes’ latest exploit, SuperMike, official photographer for the Super Family, refused to comment.

The SuperBros

For those few souls in the world unfamiliar with the SuperBros, we offer this basic introduction to the family.

SuperY – His preferred mode of transport is a turbo-charged go-kart that some say they have seen airborne in the night sky (his popularity with the paparazzi makes it necessary for him to travel under cover of darkness.) SuperY’s mission is to rid the world of unhealthy eating and bad dietary choices. All that’s required to summon SuperY to the rescue is the sound of a candy bar wrapper or bag of chips being torn open.

SuperH – Scouted by the NFL but dedicated to remaining a free agent, SuperH helps young people everywhere learn to play a better game of football. In his free time he has been witnessed wrestling bad guys in the movie industry into making less violent, more family-friendly films. SuperH prefers to swim to his destinations, and has been accidentally caught by fishermen several times. In the interest of SuperH’s well-being, friends of the SuperBros ask that all fishermen adopt a catch-and-release only policy.

SuperL – A friend to penguins everywhere, SuperL is on the lam and wanted by the FBI!! He was last seen in the penguin pond vicinity of the Tacoma Zoo. If you have information on the whereabouts of SuperL, either call your local police, or, if you prefer to keep solidarity with penguins and Superheroes everywhere, tell no one. Loose lips sink ships.

SuperMom – Some think she was a body double for Brett Favre, playing many of his games in his stead and thereby allowing him to extend his career to a bizarrely long duration. But SuperMom refutes this theory, stating her work riding herd on three young superheroes and rescuing homeless Saint Bernards is ever-demanding and leaves her no time for anything so frivolous as Packers Football.

SuperMike – The enemy of bad hair everywhere, SuperMike is a dedicated photographer of all things Super Family. He has also been known to rescue the occasional stranded whale on beaches worldwide. The FBI currently seeks SuperMike for questioning, as his images of SuperL in the fateful moments before he dropped the famed Arch Bridge and subsequent visit with the Tacoma penguins are considered crucial evidence in the case the powers-that-be are building against the young superhero for conspiring with militant penguins.

STAY TUNED!

Please have patience as we gather and verify stories of the Superbros from news sources around the world. We will only post stories deemed worthy for their informational content and veracity.

For those unfamiliar with events leading to SuperL's current underground status, we re-print here a story from the well-respected and oft-quoted Tumortown Blogspot:

PENGUINS TAKE REVENGE FOR MELTING ICE CAPS: SUPERBOY DISTRACTED FROM BRIDGE DUTY

Visitors to the Tacoma Zoo today encountered the wreckage of the locally famed Arch Bridge, not to be confused with the Golden Gate or the London Bridge. The bridge apparently collapsed when Superboy, the youngest of the SuperBros, was drawn from his post by penguins. What at first appeared to be a simple case of dereliction of super duty may not be so innocent. It seems penguins don't enjoy the melting of their polar ice caps. They are taking action against fossil fuels and global warming.

"Some think this was simply a case of friendly penguins seeking company from SuperBoy. We suspect, however, that this particular group of penguins are members of Penguins In Superpower Solidarity Effecting Destruction Of Far Flung Noxious Oil Wells. PISSED OFF NOW is not a group to be taken lightly," said an investigating FBI officer. "While they can't always sabotage oil fields, penguins are getting pretty good at convincing super heroes to wreak havoc wherever they can. It keeps the penguin agenda in the news."

"Yeah, SuperBoy is a known penguin sympathizer," said another officer. "It would be just like him to help-out those conspiring little guys."

Whatever the cause of SuperBoy leaving his post under the Arch Bridge, onlookers today offered their thoughts:"I stopped using that bridge a few days ago," said one elderly lady. "What if SuperBoy got hungry or had to go to the bathroom?? It's just a wonder he held that thing up as long as he did."

"The bridge was my favorite part of the zoo," said a young woman. "I don't blame SuperBoy, though. I would think you can only stand in one place under a bridge for so long before your arms and legs would fall asleep."

"That's crazy," said a guy that overheard the young woman's statement. "What kind of kook likes the bridge at a zoo better than the animals??"

And finally, a young business-minded girl was spotted scooping rubble into a box. "I'm going to sell these bits of bridge as souvenirs!" she said. "People will pay big bucks to own a piece of stone SuperBoy touched!"